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Post by Whole Lotta Ugly on Nov 29, 2004 6:01:12 GMT
here's my new one..i don't know if it'll be as good as the other one i did..i'm going to make this one up as i go along..i have an idea of where i want the story to go, so it won't be completely hopeless! i hope you enjoy it!
Chapter 1
"Oh God, I don't want to go home." I muttered to myself as I pulled in the driveway. I knew that he would be home. His tour was over with and now I had no way of escaping him. I took a deep breath and got out of the car. I went into the backseat to get my two year old daughter out of her carseat. I dreaded going inside, but I finally did.
"Where the fuck have you been?" My husband yelled, rushing toward me. "I've been here for over an hour and you've been gone!" "I went to pick up Amelia from your mother's." I said, calmly. "You could've left a note or something!" he said, angrily. "Benji, I don't want to argue in front of my daughter!" I said, trying to stay calm. "You mean our daughter?" He said through his teeth. "No. I mean my daughter." I said. I knew what was coming and I didn't care. He raised his hand and I closed my eyes. After a few seconds I felt him backhand me. My cheek started to sting horribly. I was so tired of the abuse. "Don't you dare disrespect me like that!" He said, violently grabbing my wrist. He pulled me closer to him. "This house is a fucking mess! I'm going over to Joel's and when I come back it better be clean!" "OK." I said. Once again, he had me defeated. He grabbed his keys and stormed out, slamming the door behind him. I fell to my knees and started to cry. I felt my cheek where he hit me and it was still hot. I hated him, but at the same time I thought he could change, so that's why I stayed. I was too afraid to leave him. I was afraid he'd come after me and kill me.
I picked up Amelia and hugged her. I cried harder because he's hurting her too. He's never hit her, but he hits me in front of her and that's just as bad. She looks just like him, and I hope she won't turn out to be like him, or even me because I put up with abuse.
"Are you tired? Do you want to go take a nap while mommy cleans?" I asked her. She nodded. I took her upstairs and put her in her bed.
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Post by Whole Lotta Ugly on Nov 30, 2004 4:16:57 GMT
Chapter 2
I went into the living room and looked around. It wasn't messy, so I didn't know what he was so angry about. I kneeled down and started picking up up some of Amelia's toys. I hugged one of her dolls and started to cry. I felt like a scared little girl again. How did I let this happen to me? Why do I allow him to do it? I must have sat there for a long time because before I knew it I heard his car pull up in the driveway. I quickly shoved all of the toys in a box and straightened up the pillows on the couch. He slowly came in the house and closed the door behind him.
"Hey baby." He said, sheepishly. He handed me a dozen roses. "I'm really sorry. Do you forgive me?" "Of course I do." I said, taking the flowers. I always forgave him. He always brought me a present after he hit me. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my forehead. "Where's Amelia?" He asked. "She's taking a nap." I said. "She usually does before dinner." "I got something for her too." He said. He showed me a teddy bear. "Do you think she'll like it?" "You know she will." I said, touching the bear. "Did you eat while you were at Joel's?" "No. I didn't stay there for too long. I only needed to drop something off to him, then I went to get the flowers." He said. I nodded and walked into the kitchen to start dinner. "Is spaghetti OK?" I yelled to him. "That's fine." He said from the living room. I filled up a pot with water and put it on the stove. After a few minutes he came into the kitchen to grab a Coke from the refrigerator. "Can I talk to you about something?" I asked. I was afraid to, but I needed to say something. "Yeah." He said, opening the can. "I don't mind it when you hit me because I deserve it, but could you not hit me in front of Amelia?" I asked slowly, choosing my words carefully. "I don't want her growing up thinking her father is a monster." "Laura." He sighed. He paused for a long time. "I......I don't know what to say." "Are you angry?" I asked, scared. "A little bit." He said, looking down. I wasn't afraid he'd hit me. He's never hit me twice in the same day. I was afraid he'd leave me. "Don't be." I said. "I didn't mean to make you mad. I'm sorry." "It's fine." He said, getting up and leaving the room. I started to cry and went back to making dinner. He came back in the room and stood behind me, putting his hands on my shoulders. "Don't cry. I don't like hearing you cry." He said, squeezing my shoulders. "Can you go get Amelia? Dinner's almost ready." I said, trying to stop crying. "Yeah." He said. He went upstairs and opened the door to his daughter's room. He sat on her little toddler bed and gently shook her. "Wake up. It's time to go eat." "No daddy." She said, looking away from him. "I got a present for you." He said. She gasped and sat up. He gave her the bear and she hugged it. He picked her up and took her downstairs. "Mommy look!" Amelia said, showing me the bear. "Where'd you get that?" I asked, being as enthusiastic as I possibly could. "Daddy." She answered. I smiled and put her in her high chair. I put a bowl of spaghetti in front of her and she immediatly began to eat. "Sometimes I wonder if your mother ever feeds her." I said, staring at my daughter in amazement. I started to get a plate for Benji, but he already had one and was eating. "Nevermind." "Do you think it would be alright if I took her to the zoo tomorrow?" He asked. "That would be fine. I don't have to go to work tomorrow, so it'll give me a chance to have some time alone for once." I said.
At about 10:00, Benji and I were getting ready for bed. "I remember before we had the baby we were able to stay up past 11." I said, changing into my pajamas. He didn't respond. I looked over at him and he was staring at me. "What?" "I'm sorry." He said, sounding very sincere. "For what?" I asked. "Hurting you." He replied. "I know you don't mean to." I said. "I don't." He walked over to me and put his arms around my waist. He started to kiss my neck. "Not tonight. I worked all day and I'm really tired." I said, moving away. I ran my fingers through his hair. "Maybe tomorrow OK?" "No." He said. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it as hard as he could. "You're hurting me!" I yelled, starting to panic. He grabbed me and threw me onto the bed. He had done this before. Whenever I turn him down he winds up doing this. He pulled off my underwear and I waited until it was over. After he finished he rolled over and went to sleep.
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Post by Whole Lotta Ugly on Dec 1, 2004 4:20:01 GMT
Chapter 3
When I woke up in the morning Benji was getting dressed. He looked over at me and smiled.
"Good morning." He said. He walked over and kissed my forehead. "Good morning." I said. "Are you still taking Amelia to the zoo?" "Yeah. Paul's going with me." He replied. "Is she awake and dressed?" I asked. "I even gave her a bath." He said. "You know, I would've made you some breakfast, but I didn't want to wake you up." "Thank you anyway. You're so sweet." I said, hugging him. "You're not mad about last night are you?" He asked. "No. Of course not." I said. "Alright. I should get going." He gave me a kiss and then left the room. I followed him out to see if Amelia had on an outfit that at least matched. "What did daddy do to you?" I asked, looking at the outfit she had on. "Benj, that doesn't even match............What did you do to her hair?" "I think the outfit matches and Paul did her hair." He said. "Those are supposed to be pigtails." Paul said, coming out of the kitchen. "It was a nice try." I said. I fixed her hair. "Make sure she wears her hat all the time. I don't want her getting sunburned." "I know." Benji said, a bit annoyed. It was a habit of mine. I know he knows what to do, but I couldn't help but remind him all the time. I picked up my daughter and gave her a kiss. "Bye Amelia!" I said with a smile. "Bye bye!" She said, waving. As soon as they left I sat down on the couch. I had nothing to do all day. I got up and got a bowl of cereal. As soon as I took the first bite there was a knock at the door. I went over and opened it.
"Hey." Joel said. "Sorry I didn't call or anything." "That's alright. Come in." I moved over to let him in. "Do you want something to eat?" "No thanks." He said. He looked around the living room. "I always forget what your house looks like. I think I've been here, what, twice?" "I think so." I said. Benji never wanted company. He wouldn't ever invite his own brother over. "Benji just left, so do you want to wait until he comes back?" "I know he left. That's why I came over." He said. He had a look of concern on his handsome face. There was a bit of an uncomfortable silence. "Where's Meelers?" "Benji and Paul took her to the zoo." I said. "Why do you call her that anyway?" "I want to have an embarrassing nickname for her so I can say it in front of her date when she goes to prom or something." He said, smiling. I laughed. He always knew how to make me laugh. "Can I ask you something?" "Yeah, sure." I said, sitting down. He sat down next to me and looked around some more. He looked like he was trying to choose his words carefully. He took in a deep, slow breath. "Why do you let him do it?" He asked, looking me in the eye. I looked away. "Let him do what?" Tears were welling up in my eyes. How did he know? "You know what I'm talking about. Why do you put up with it?" He asked. Tears were in his eyes now too. "Because I love him." I said. He scoffed. "How can you?" He asked. I paused. "He's always sorry." I said. "Of course he is! He knows you'll forgive him!" He said, standing up. He kneeled down in front of me. "You deserve better. You can do a lot better." "How can you say that about your own brother?!" I asked. "Because he hits you. He's a pathetic excuse for a man." He said, disgusted. "I deserve it!" I said, sobbing. "What?! He has you thinking you deserve it?!" He got up. "Do you remember when I first met you?" "Yes." I said quietly. "You were so strong and independent. You had this 'fuck you' attitude. What happened to that?" He asked. "He's beaten you down. You need to be strong again." "I can't!" I started sobbing again. "Then be strong for your daughter! What do you think this will do to her? Do you want her to grow up thinking this is OK?! What if she's abused by her husband?" He was pacing back and forth. "What am I supposed to do?!" I said in between sobs. He kneeled back in front of me and took my hand. The same hand that Benji had hurt last night. I pulled it back and winced. He looked up at me and then gently took my hand and looked at it. It was all bruised up and my thumb was so swollen I couldn't move it. "Did he do this?" He asked in quiet awe. I nodded. A few tears fell down his face. "Please leave him." "I can't." I said, still crying. He took my other hand and put it up to his lips and kissed it. "Please. I'm begging you. I don't want him to hurt you." He said. "Why do you care so much?" I asked. "You really want to know?" He replied. He sat next to me again. I nodded. "I've loved you since I first saw you." "What?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "It's true." He said. "It kills me knowing that he hurts you. Please stand up to him. Go pack some bags and I'll get Amelia's stuff together and when he comes back you take her and leave." "Where am I supposed to go?" I asked. "With me. Come stay with me." He said, rubbing my back. "I can't. I love him." I said, still crying. "And he loves me too." "If he loved you he wouldn't hurt you." He shook his head. "He hurts me because he loves me!" I cried harder. I always defended and made excuses for him. "Are you afraid to leave him because you'd be alone?" He asked, very calmly. I shook my head. "I'm afraid because I wouldn't be able to find anybody else, and I'm afraid he'd find me and hurt me." I quietly answered him. "You can do better. I don't care what he's told you, you're beautiful and you could have any man you want. He's got you thinking you need him when he's the one who needs you!" He said. He got up and went to the other side of the room and looked at a picture of Amelia. "You have a beautiful daughter and she doesn't deserve this either." "I still can't leave him." I replied. He turned around and looked at me. I could tell he was getting frustrated. There was a long silence. "How did you know he's been hitting me?" "Bruises." He said, pointing at my hand. "Whenever I see you, there are bruises all over your arms, or even on your face." "I wish he was more like you. He'll change. You'll see." I said, trying to smile. "No he won't." He said, shaking his head. He walked over to me and gently helped me up from the couch. He pulled me into a hug. I buried my face into his chest and I could hear his heart beating. It was a comforting sound. He gently pushed my face up and he leaned in to kiss me. I pulled away. "I'm your sister-in-law!" I said, shocked he'd even try to kiss me. "For a few minutes we can pretend you're not." He whispered in my ear. I pulled away from him. "I think you should leave before Benji gets back. He doesn't like people being at the house." I said, looking away from him. He looked upset. "Alright." He said quietly. "How about you, Benj, and Amelia come over to my house for dinner tonight?" "I'd like that." I smiled. "Great." He smiled back. He hugged me and gave me a quick peck on the cheek and walked out the door.
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Post by Whole Lotta Ugly on Dec 2, 2004 4:06:41 GMT
Chapter 4
I sat down on the couch and thought about everything Joel said. I knew he was right. I've thought of all those things before. I needed to leave, but I couldn't. I loved him too much. I knew he could change and I was waiting for him to. Maybe I should help him. It's what any good wife would do. I also thought about Joel loving me. The first time I met him I had a huge crush on him and I could barely even talk. He had a girlfriend at the time, so I knew I couldn't have him. Then I met Benji and we hit it off, not literally, right away. We started going out for dinner and to movies. Soon after that we got very comfortable with one another and that's when the abuse started. By that time I loved him too much to break up with him. After that I found out I was pregnant with Amelia. During my pregnancy he would hit me. He wouldn't ever hit my stomach though. That's how I knew he loved me. I knew if he loved that baby he loved me too. After the baby was born the abuse stopped and we seemed like a happy family except for the occasional fights. One day he was leaving to go on tour and the abuse started again. After he came home it was worse than it had ever been. It's stayed the same way since then. The only time I get a break from it is when he's gone. People would think I'd be relieved because I wouldn't be getting beat, but, while he's gone I miss him and I don't know what to do with myself. I need him. I just want us to be a happy family again. I'd like to blame Joel for how things are now, but I can't. I can't use him as a scapegoat. It's my fault and I know it.
"We're back!" Benji said, coming through the front door. I was so deep in thought I didn't even hear him pull up. "How was the zoo?" I asked, taking Amelia from him. "Fun!" Amelia said. "Down." "OK." I set her down and she ran off into the kitchen. I walked over to Benji and gave him a kiss. "Did she behave herself?" "Yeah. I got a lot of compliments on how pretty she is." He said, smiling. "Of course she's pretty. She came out of me!" I said, putting my arms around his waist. "It was my man gravy that made her prettier." He said, hugging me back. "Man gravy?" I arched my eyebrow. "Did you at least feed her?" "She said she wasn't hungry, so she hasn't eaten since breakfast." He answered. "She's probably starving by now." I said, walking into the kitchen. Amelia was standing at the refrigerator trying to open it. "What do you want to eat? Do you want some macaroni and cheese?" "Yeah!" She said, excitedly. It was her favorite food. "Alright." I said. I got out a pot and put some water in it and I put it on the stove. I gave her some juice so she would at least have something before her food was done cooking. She almost ran into Benji as he walked into the kitchen and she ran out to the living room where most of her toys were. He came up behind me and stuck something in front of my face.
"What the fuck is this?" He asked. It was a man's wallet. "This was in between the cushions on the couch. Are you fucking around?" "No. I've never even seen that wallet before." I said. "Did you look in it?" "Not yet." He said. He looked in it and his expression turned hard as he saw the driver's license. "It's Joel's." "He was here earlier. It must've fallen out of his pocket." I said, calmly. "What the fuck was he doing over here? You know I don't like you having people over! Are you fucking my brother?!" He asked, getting very angry. "No! He came over to invite you, Amelia, and I over to dinner tonight! I swear it!" I was getting really scared. I didn't want to get hit again. "Bullshit!" He said, throwing the wallet past my shoulder at the wall. "How could it have fallen out?! Huh?! Was it when you took his pants off you fucking whore?!" "I didn't do anything!" I started crying. "All he wanted was to invite us to dinner! Please just calm down!" "How can I calm down when my own wife is fucking my brother?!" He said, kicking a chair over. "I'm not having an affair! You know I'm not! Why would I cheat on you when I'm the one that puts all the effort into making this damn marriage work?!" I immediately regretted saying the last part. In one swift motion he took the pot of boiling water and tossed the water onto my face. I screamed in pain and fell to the floor. He grabbed the phone and pulled my hair so I was looking up at him. "Call him and tell him we're not coming!" He yelled. I couldn't respond because I was sobbing. "Do it!" "Daddy no!" Amelia said, standing in the kitchen. She started to cry and hug the bear her dad had given her. He looked over at her and his expression softened. "Oh my God." He said, quietly. He let go of my hair. He kneeled in front of his daughter and hugged her tightly. He began crying and stroking her hair. "I'm so sorry, baby. Daddy just gets mad sometimes and can't control it. I'm not going to hurt mommy anymore. I love you." "I love you daddy." Amelia said. He put her down and she went back to her toys. He looked at me and crawled over. "I'm gonna get help OK?" He said with tears streaming down his cheeks. "I don't want to do this anymore. I'm so sorry. I'll make it up to you. I'm going to be a better husband and father." "Promise me." I said, wiping his tears. He took my hand and kissed it. "I promise." He said, quietly. "Do you want to go to Joel's?" "I don't think so." I said. I knew my face would be red and Joel would know something bad happened. I would be too embarrassed to face him. He nodded and picked up the phone and dialed a number. "Hey Joel, um, we won't be coming over to your house for dinner tonight." He said. I got up and went into the bathroom to look at my face. It looked like I was badly sunburned. I thought of using that as an excuse for why my face would be red at work tomorrow, but I didn't think anybody would buy it. I'll have to come up with something else. Benji walked into the bathroom and hugged me. "I'm so sorry. I don't deserve you." He whispered. "Yes you do." I said. "I love you so much." "I love you too."
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Post by Whole Lotta Ugly on Dec 4, 2004 4:50:01 GMT
Chapter 5
The next morning I called off of work. I felt bad for doing that, but since I'm a hairstylist I couldn't use my hand because I still couldn't move my thumb. It was probably broken. I also didn't want people to ask me about what happened to my face. It's humiliating.
"Good morning." Benji said, walking into the kitchen. "Don't you have to work today?" "I called off." I said, looking down. "Oh. Why?" He asked, opening up the newspaper. "I.....don't....feel well." I lied. I didn't know if it would upset him if I mentioned my injuries. He looked up from the paper. "You look fine to me." He said, then went back to the paper. "Thank you." I said. "Are you hungry?" "Yeah, but I don't have time to eat. I have to meet Billy at the studio in 20 minutes." He said, looking at his watch. "I don't mean to sound like a nag, but have you called anybody about getting help?" I asked, cautiously. He slowly looked up at me. "You know, like anger management or something?" "Not yet. I will later. Right now I have to go." He got up and gave me a long kiss. "I'm going to be a better person. Just wait." "I know." I smiled. I was finally getting what I wanted.
Soon after he left there was a knock at the door. I walked over and opened it.
"Did I leave my wallet here yesterday?" Joel asked. "Yeah." I said, looking down. I wasn't sure I could face him after he told me he loved me and everything. "Can I come in?" He bent down a little to meet my gaze. "Oh. Sorry." I said, moving out of the way. He came inside the house and sat down on the couch. I grabbed his wallet from the kitchen and handed it to him. "Thanks." He said, taking it and putting it in his pocket. "So............How come you guys couldn't make it last night?" "I don't want to talk about it." I said, turning away. He got up and stood in front of me. "Please tell me." He said. I looked into his eyes and they seemed to be pleading for me to tell him what happened. "OK." I sighed. "We got into a fight and he tossed boiling water at my face." "What?" He said, quietly, trying to comprehend what I had just said. "Boiling water?!" "Joel." I said, rubbing my forehead. "This is none of your business!" "I'm sorry." He said, looking at the floor. "I can't help it." "I know." I said, giving him a hug. "I know you care a lot, and I honestly appreciate that. Sometimes I think you're the only person that does care about me." "Amelia cares about you." He said, rubbing my back. "My mom does too." "I know." I said. "I know Benji cares too." "Probably." He said. He got a bit braver and moved his hands up and down along my sides. Instead of pushing him away this time I was enjoying being gently caressed. I knew it was wrong, but it felt good. I began to rub his chest and his shoulders. His breathing got a bit heavier as he pulled me even closer to him. I could feel his breath and I found it to be incredibly sexy. I closed my eyes as he started to rub my sides harder and he ventured down past my hips a few times. He lightly kissed my neck. "Let me make love to you." He whispered into my ear. "OK." I whispered back without thinking. He looked into my eyes and then leaned in to kiss me. "Mommy?" Amelia asked from the bottom of the stairs. Joel sighed and let go of me. "What sweetie?" I asked, picking her up. "I'm tired." She said, rubbing her eyes. I laughed. "You woke up and came downstairs to tell me you were tired?" I asked. She nodded. "Want me to take you back upstairs?" "Uh huh." She said, putting her head on my shoulder. I took her upstairs and put her back in her bed. When I went back downstairs Joel was sitting on the couch. "Sorry about that." I said, smiling. "She didn't even say hi to me." He said, shaking his head. "She's tired. I wouldn't have said hi to you either." I said, sitting next to him. He put his hand on my thigh. "So......ummmm......do you....want to go upstairs or something?" He asked, blushing. "I don't think we should." I replied. "Sorry, but you're my brother-in-law. It would just be wrong." "You're right." He said, looking rather disappointed. "I should get going to the studio." "Mmmkay." I said, getting up and following him to the door. "I guess I'll see you later." He said, walking out the door. "Bye!" I waved after him. I closed the door and sighed. What the hell am I supposed to do now?
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Post by Whole Lotta Ugly on Dec 5, 2004 7:34:41 GMT
Chapter 6
I felt horrible about what happened between Joel and I. It could've been worse, but I felt like I had cheated on my husband. Here he is trying to make himself a better person while I'm telling his brother I'd have sex with him. I'm glad I didn't. My luck Benji would find out and then he'd throw a fit and beat me until I didn't know who I was anymore. Not that I'm saying I wouldn't deserve it. I grabbed my cell phone and called Benji.
"Hey there, beautiful." He said when he answered. "Hi." I smiled. I loved it when he called me that. "What's up? Is everything OK?" He asked, a bit concerned. "No. Everything's fine. I was just wondering if you would like to go out to dinner tonight." I said. "That would be nice. We haven't done that in a while." He said. "Want me to find a babysitter?" "I can handle that. I was thinking about asking your mom to do it. She doesn't mind having her spend the night." I said rather suggestively. "Sounds good to me." He said, laughing. "I got to get going. We were right in the middle of something." "Sorry. I'll see you when you get home." I said. "I love you." He said quietly. "I love you too." I said and hung up. I went upstairs and into Amelia's room to check on her. She was on the floor playing with the bear her dad gave her. She looked up at me and smiled. "Hi mommy!" She said, running over to me. I picked her up. "Hi sweetie!" I gave her a kiss on the forehead. "Do you want to go to grandma's tonight?" "Yeah!" She was excited. Of course she would be. She loved her grandma. "OK, but you need a bath." I said, walking into the bathroom. I started filling up the tub with water and I undressed her. As soon as I was about to place her into the tub my cell phone rang. I set her down. "I'll be right back!" "Hurry!" She said, shivering. I ran and answered my phone.
"Hi Laura." Robin said. "Hi mom." I said, smiling. I loved my mother-in-law. A lot of the girls I work with complain that they hate theirs. Mine is a saint. I walked into the bathroom and put Amelia in the tub. "How are you?" She asked. "I'm fine. I'm just giving Amelia a bath." I answered. "How about you?" "Oh I'm fine. I was just wondering if you'd like to go shopping with me." She said, sweetly. "I'd love to. Do you want me to come pick you up as soon as I'm done with Amelia?" I asked her. "That sounds good to me!" She said. "I'll talk to you in a bit! Bye!" "Bye!" I hung up. I finished giving Amelia her bath and took her into her room to dress her. I picked out her favorite outfit. I put on her pink "Dora the Explorer" shirt, jeans, and her "Dora the Explorer" shoes. She loves that show. Everything of hers had Dora on it. After I got done getting her ready I took her into the bathroom with me so I can put my make up on. She watched me put my make up on and asked me what everything was. I loved spending time with my daughter. Too bad Benji really never had the time for her. While I was putting on some mascara my phone started to ring.
"Hello?" I answered. "Hey." Joel said. "I was just calling to apologize for what happened earlier." "You don't have to. Don't be sorry." I said. I meant that too. He didn't say anything for awhile. "Do you want to do something later on?" He asked. "I'm going out with Benj tonight." I said. "Oh. Well maybe some other time then." He said, sounding a bit let down. "Well what are you doing tomorrow?" I asked, trying to cheer him up. "I don't have to go into the studio, so, nothing." He answered. "Maybe we can go out for lunch or something." I said. "OK." He replied. "I have to get going. I'm supposed to be on my way to your mom's." I said, putting Amelia's coat on her. "Alright." He said, quietly. I could hear Benji in the background ask who he was talking to. He answered with "Your mom." "Call me tomorrow!" I said, cheerfully. "Bye!" "Bye."
I put Amelia in her carseat and started driving to Robin's. I couldn't help but start thinking about Joel again. He actually cares about me and wouldn't even dream of hitting me. Was I falling for him? I can't be. I married his brother and had a baby with him. I love my husband. I think. I pulled up in Robin's driveway and she was already at the door waiting for me. She came outside and waved at me. She opened the passenger seat door and climbed in.
"Hi mom!" I greeted her. "Hi! You look lovely today." She said, smiling. "Thanks. I actually felt like putting effort into the way I look today!" I said. Actually I was trying to cover up my face that was still a bit on the red side. Robin turned around and gently touched Amelia's cheek. "Hi sweetheart!" She said, lovingly. "Hi gramma!" Amelia said with a huge grin on her face. Robin turned back around. "She looks so much like her father." Robin said to me. "I'm glad she does. It would be impossible for him to deny that she's his." I said, laughing. I pulled into the parking lot and got out of the car. Robin got Amelia out of her carseat.
"Do you want me to get the stroller out of the trunk?" She asked. "I didn't bring one. She likes walking." I said. "I hope you don't mind. She's pretty slow." "I don't mind at all!" She said, taking Amelia's hand. I took the other one and we went into the mall. We walked around for a little bit looking for an interesting store to go into. "Would you mind if we went into Frederick's of Hollywood?" I said, grinning. "If we have to." Robin laughed. We went in and I immediately saw a bustier that I wanted. It was black and strapless with lace around the bottom and two red bows under each cup. "This is gorgeous!" I said, looking at the price tag. It was $54. Normally I don't spend money on myself, but I figure I needed it to try to save my marriage and apologize to Benji with it. Robin looked at it. "It's pretty. I guess." She said. I could tell she was a bit uncomfortable being in the store. "What would you need it for?" "For when I want to clean the house and feel sexy at the same time." I teased. I tried to look innocent. "I'm a virgin, I swear." "Is that why you have a baby?" She asked, laughing. "Yep!" I said, looking for the bustier in my size. Luckily, they had one left. I picked up Amelia and went to buy the bustier.
"Hello. Did you find everything OK?" The woman asked. "Yes I did." I smiled. "Hi there." She said to Amelia. "What a pretty little girl!" "Thank you." I said. I heard that a lot. She's a beautiful little girl. I finished paying and we left the store. I couldn't wait to wear it for him. I felt bad for spending that much money, but it was OK for just this once. "Oh I want to go in here. I need new shoes." Robin said, pointing to a shoe store. "OK." I said, as we walked in. "Hi Mrs. Madden!" A voice said from behind me. I turned around to see who it was. "Oh! Hi Chelsea!" I said, smiling. She babysat for Amelia a lot. "You know you can call me Laura." "I know, but I figured calling you Mrs. Madden would get your attention." She said. She looked at the bag I had in my hand and laughed. "What's that?" She asked. "What's what? It's nothing." I said, putting the bag behind my back. "Mmmhmmm. Just be careful. I don't want to have to watch another baby." She said. "You're just jealous." I said, jokingly. "I know. No offense, but I'd do your husband." She laughed. "I think you'd rather watch my husband do his brother instead." I teased her. "Of course. Too bad it'll never happen." She said, sighing. "You never know." I said. "Well I have to get going." She said. "I'll see you later!" "Bye!" I said, waving. I walked over to Robin. "What do you think of these?" She asked me. "They look nice." I said. "What do you think Amelia?" Robin bent down to ask her. "Pretty!" She exclaimed. "Well that decided it. I'll get them." She said, standing back up. I saw a pair of heels that would be really nice with my new bustier. "Aren't these sexy?" I asked Robin, smiling. "They are!" She said. "Too bad they're kind of expensive." I said, putting the shoe down. "Go ahead and buy them. Spoil yourself." She said. I looked down at the floor. "I don't really deserve them." I said, quietly. Benji never liked me buying things for myself. He always said I never deserved anything. I looked up at Robin and she looked concerned. "You don't what?" She asked. "I.....I don't deserve.....such....pretty shoes." I said, trying to cover. "If it's the price that's bothering you I'll pay for them and you and you can pay me back tomorrow." She said, grabbing a shoebox. "Are you sure?" I asked. "I'm sure." She said, walking up to the register. I sighed with relief. I didn't want her knowing that her little boy beats his wife. It would break her heart.
"Bye mom!" I said, waving as Robin got out of the car. "Bye Laura! Thank you for coming with me!" She said. She took Amelia out of her carseat. "No problem! And thank you for watching her tonight!" I said. "My pleasure!" She said, giving Amelia a kiss on the forehead. They both waved at me as I pulled out of the driveway. When I got home I took my bags out of the trunk and went inside. Benji was sitting in the kitchen.
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Post by Whole Lotta Ugly on Dec 5, 2004 7:35:25 GMT
Chapter 6 (con't)
"Hi Benj!" I yelled as I ran upstairs to hide the bags. "Hey." He said when I came back down. He gave me a kiss. "So where are we going tonight?" "I thought we go out to a nice restaurant first, then come home and....see what happens from there." I said seductively. He put his hands on my hips and pulled me closer to him. "Can't we just skip dinner and go right to the sex?" He asked, making a puppy face. "No. Now be a good boy and wait here while I go get ready." I said, walking up the stairs. "That's gonna take foreeeevveeeeerrr!" He said, pretending to whine. "If you don't behave yourself you won't get any "dessert" if you know what I mean, young man!" I said, jokingly. I went upstairs to get changed. While I was putting a skirt on I looked at a picture of Benji and Joel at our wedding. I picked it up and closed my eyes replaying the moment I had with Joel earlier over and over again. I got the chills every time I remembered him whispering that he wanted to make love to me.
"Come on! Hurry your sweet ass up!" He yelled from downstairs. "Alright alright!" I yelled back. I looked at the picture again and gently set it down.
yeah, so i had nothing to do and went a little overboard and wrote a lot..
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Post by Whole Lotta Ugly on Dec 6, 2004 6:52:43 GMT
Chapter 7
"This place is really nice." I said, looking around the restaurant. "Only the best for you." He said, grinning. I laughed. I liked moments like that. He wasn't angry and I didn't have to be afraid of him. "Before I forget, I have something for you." "You didn't have to get anything for me." I said. He was so sweet. He pulled a box out of his pocket and opened it. It was a necklace with a huge diamond pendant hanging from it. "Oh sweetheart, it's beautiful!" "I'm glad you like it." He said, getting up. He stood behind me and gently put the necklace on me. He kissed the back of my neck and sat back down. "You didn't need to get it for me." I told him. "I know." He nodded. "But I wanted to get you something to apologize for the way I've been our entire relationship. Now that I'm getting help I figured I'd get you something to celebrate that." "You haven't been all that bad." I lied. "To be fair I deserve everything." "No you don't." He said with tears welling up in his eyes. "I'm so pissed I got you thinking that. You don't deserve that kind of treatment. I know it's not OK, but my dad did it to my mom all the time. I'm not trying to justify it or anything, but it's so hard to control my anger." "Then what do I deserve?" I asked, smiling. "Diamonds." He smiled back. He paused and looked away. "I can't believe you married me." "Why wouldn't I?" I asked, taking his hand. "Because I treat you like shit." He held my hand and gently rubbed my bruised thumb. "But you married me anyway and gave me a beautiful child." "I married you because I love you." I kissed his hand. "I gave you a beautiful child because you took advantage of me when I was tipsy." "Good times." He smiled. "We should have another one." "You want another baby?" I asked, lighting up. I've been wanting one for awhile now, but I was too scared to ask. "Yeah." He nodded. "You'll have to promise me you'll be around more." I said. "I know your career has always come first, but you shouldn't put it ahead of your child. You missed so much with Amelia. You weren't there when she said her first word, or took her first step, or even her first birthday." "I know." He said, letting go of my hand. "Every time I look at her that kills me. I just want another chance to prove that I can be a good parent." "If that's the only reason why you want another baby we shouldn't have one." I said, looking down. "Don't give up on Amelia. She loves you very much. Spend some more time with her and you won't miss anything anymore." "That's only part of the reason. I'd like to have a son." He took my hand again. "I want a chance to raise a boy to teach him how to be a man. My dad never did that and look what happened." "What if we have another girl?" I asked, trying to lighten the mood. "Then we'll keep trying until you give me a boy." He smiled. "Even if we wind up having 20 kids, I'm getting a boy dammit." "I don't think I could handle having that many. I know you know where they come from, but did anybody tell you where they come out?" I laughed.
After we got home from dinner I motioned with my finger for Benji to follow me upstairs. He smiled deviously and follwed me. When we got into our bedroom he took off his tie and threw it onto the floor. I grabbed him by his collar and pulled him into a kiss. He rubbed my sides and felt the boning of the bustier I bought earlier. He stopped kissing me. "What are you wearing under here?" He asked, smiling. "Come on, let's see it!" "You can wait a couple more minutes." I teased. He hopped onto our bed and started bouncing excitedly. He's such a little boy. "I wanna see!" He said, pretending to whine again. "Alright." I sighed. I slowly and seductively took my clothes off for him. "Sweet Jesus." He said staring at me wide eyed. I giggled and got on the bed with him. "You are so sexy." "I know." I teased. "Come here." He said, pulling me on top of him. He began kissing me and trying to undo the bustier. He was having a lot of trouble with it. "How the hell do you get this thing off?" "I thought you'd be an expert at this." I sat up and turned around. "The hooks are just like the ones on my bra." "Oooohhhhh. I see." He sat behind me and unhooked everything and threw the bustier onto the floor. I turned around and started unbuttoning his shirt. He undid his belt and his pants really fast. "In a hurry?" I asked, still unbuttoning his shirt. "God yes!" He said, throwing his pants and boxers next to my bustier. I threw his shirt onto the floor. He leaned in and kissed me, gently pushing me so I was laying down. He took my underwear off and layed on top of me. "OK. Give me a boy." "You've never been one for romance." I joked. I wished he was romantic. Joel would be. "Not really." He smiled. He penetrated me and started thrusting. After a few seconds I closed my eyes and imagined he were Joel. I knew it was wrong, but I really couldn't help it. "J-" I started to moan Joel's name, but stopped. I needed to cover really fast. "Just a little to the left." "Alright." He said in between moans. He did as he was told and shifted over to the left a little. He came shortly after that and rolled off of me. I wished he would've lasted a bit longer. "I love you." I said as we wrapped our arms around each other. "I love you too." He said, closing his eyes and going to sleep.
I woke up the next morning alone in bed. He was probably downstairs already. I put on some pajama pants and a tank top and went down to the kitchen. He was sitting at the table on his cell phone.
"Yeah. I'll tell her that." He said, trying not to sound angry. "I love you too. Bye." "Who was that?" I asked as he hung up his phone. I went over to kiss him, but he moved his face out of the way. He inhaled slowly and I could tell he was angry. "Benj?" "My mom." He said, flatly. "Is it Amelia? Is she OK?" I asked, starting to panic. "She's fine." He said, trying to hold back his anger. I poured myself a cup of coffee. "Then what did she want?" I asked, taking a sip. "She wanted me to let you know that you don't have to pay her back for some shoes and that they're a gift." He said. He was getting really pissed. "Oh." I said quietly. I knew I was in huge trouble. He stood up and walked over to me. "I don't remember telling you you can have new shoes." He said, glaring at me. "I know you didn't, but your mom insisted on paying for them." I said, looking down at the floor. "I don't fucking care!" He took my coffee cup and threw it on the floor. "Benji stop it!" I yelled. He grabbed my bruised hand and squeezed it as hard as he could. I fell to my knees in pain. "You're hurting me!" "Why can't you ever just listen to me?!" He yelled. "Please stop." I said, starting to cry. I grabbed onto the leg of his pants. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." "Don't touch me." He said, trying to pull away. "I'm sorry!" I started crying harder and put my forehead on his leg. "Don't fucking touch me!" He yelled. He grabbed my hair and pulled my head up. I started sobbing. I thought I was done with this. "Stop it!" I pleaded. I tried to pull his hand out of my hair. "Please let go of me!" "God dammit! Shut the fuck up!" He made a fist and punched me under my right eye. He had never punched me before. My face was throbbing as he threw me to the floor. He grabbed his keys and stormed out of the house. I stayed on the floor crying for a few minutes. I felt where he had hit me. It was bleeding and swollen. I started picking up the broken pieces of my coffee mug. I thought he was going to stop doing this. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I can only take it for so long. I knew I had to leave, but he's trying to change and that meant a lot to me. I knew he had the ability to do it.
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Post by Whole Lotta Ugly on Dec 7, 2004 4:46:42 GMT
Chapter 8
I went and looked at myself in the mirror. My face was swollen, bruised, and bleeding. I couldn't stand looking at myself anymore. I couldn't go to work like this. People will ask questions. I hate being asked about my injuries. I decided to call off of work.
"You've been calling off a lot." My boss said in a stern voice. "I know." I said, quietly. "You haven't been working a lot lately and when you do come in you aren't doing too much." I could tell she was pissed. "I have my reasons!" I started to get upset. "What are they?" She asked. I hesitated. "I can't say." I started to cry. "Then I'm going to have to fire you." She said. "I'm sorry." "OK." I sighed. I didn't want to be unemployed. That meant I'd have to spend more time at the house. On the other hand it would give me time to think about what I need to do about my marriage. I hung up the phone and went upstairs and layed down on my bed. My face was still throbbing. I heard the doorbell ring, but I didn't bother getting up. I didn't care to see who it was. It rang a few times more and I heard someone come in.
"Laura?" I heard from downstairs. It was Robin. "Are you home?" "I'm up here!" I yelled as loud as I could. As she came up the stairs I rolled over onto my right side so she wouldn't see my black eye. It hurt to lie on it, but I had to. "Are you feeling OK?" She asked, sitting on the side of the bed. "Not really." I replied. "I just got fired." "I'm so sorry." She said, gently stroking my hair. "Do you need anything?" "No thanks." I said, trying to bury my face further into the pillow. "Is Amelia OK?" "She's fine." She answered. "Are you sure you're OK?" "I'm fine." I said, quietly. I didn't want to lie to her. "Alright. I'll go downstairs and watch the baby for you." She said, starting to leave the room. I couldn't keep it from her anymore. I needed to tell somebody. "Mom?" I called after her. "What?" She said, appearing in the doorway. I sat up so she could see my face. "Oh my.........What happened?" "Benji." I said, starting to cry. It was embarrassing, but it was like a huge weight was being lifted off my shoulders. "What?" She asked with tears in her eyes. "He.........He beats me." I was sobbing now. "I had a feeling he did, but I didn't want to ask you." She said, taking my hand. "When I heard you say you didn't deserve shoes you sounded a lot like me when I was married. I can't believe he'd do this!" "I know." I said, hugging her. "He said he's going to get help for it." "If he doesn't get help I'll slap him 'til Hell won't have it again!" She said, getting extremely upset. "I know he will. He loves me." I said. Why was I defending him again?! "Pack your bags." She said, getting up. "What? Why?" I asked. "You're staying with me. Come on." She started to pull me up. "No! I can't leave!" I pulled away from her. She sighed and picked up my cell phone. "May I?" "Sure." I said. She dialed a number. "Sweetheart, can you please come over to your brother's house for a few minutes?" She asked. Why did she have to call Joel? "No, everything's not fine......OK.......Bye." "I can't leave." I whispered. Why did everybody want me to leave? He wasn't a horrible person or anything. "I'll leave you alone for a bit to think about this." She said, leaving the room. "I love my son, but this is inexcuseable." "I know." I said. I layed back down again. I was relieved someone else besides Joel knew about this now. I couldn't wait until he got here. I wanted to see him have him touch me again. I fell asleep for a little while.
"Hey. Wake up." Joel said, gently rubbing my arm. I opened my eyes and he was lying next to me. "Joel." I whispered, smiling. I brushed his hair off of his forehead. "I'm so glad you're here." "I'm glad I'm here too." He took my hand and threaded his fingers in between mine. "I'm really proud of you for telling my mom about Benji." "Really?" I asked. No one ever tells me they're proud of me. "Yeah. It was really brave." He smiled sweetly. "He's on his way home right now and my mom's going to have a talk with him." "That's going to make it worse. He's going to get mad." I got a bit scared. "Let him get mad. He wouldn't do anything in front of my mom, and I'd be here and I wouldn't let him hurt you." He kissed my hand. I smiled and buried my face in his chest. He tucked my hair behind my ears and tenderly kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes and fell back asleep.
"Laura." Robin said, waking me up. I sat up and looked around. Her, Benji, and Joel were in the room. Benji sat down next to me and held my hand. Robin sat at the foot of the bed and Joel stayed standing. He was glaring at Benji's hand holding mine. "Well Benjamin." Robin said. "Don't you want to say something?" "I'm so sorry." He said, hugging me. "I really mean it when I say I'll never do it again. I called and I got an appointment with a therapist and everything. I'm going to get better. Please forgive me." "I do." I buried my face in his neck and closed my eyes. I really didn't forgive him, but it's what he wanted to hear. "Fuck this." Joel muttered angrily. "Joel!" Robin said, sternly. "Laura, we had a long talk with Benji and he really is sorry. I know it's his father's fault, and it's my fault too. I know what you're going through and I want to help you." "This is bullshit!" Joel said louder. "Of course he says he sorry! He's been saying that for years! If he were sorry he wouldn't fucking raise his hand in anger at her! If he really did love her he'd treat her like she deserves to be treated! Like a God damn queen! You don't realize what you have, Benj. She's a beautiful person and I'm sorry you're too fucking dumb to know that. She's the mother of your fucking child! How can you hurt her?! You know what? Fuck you. You're a coward. You're acting just like dad. You're continuing the cycle and that's weak." "Joel, you're not helping!" Robin yelled. "Have some faith in him!" "Alright." He sighed. "Benj, I'm sorry." "I deserved that." Benji said, walking over to Joel. They hugged each other, which is something I didn't see very often. "Let's leave them alone. They have a lot to talk about." Robin said to Joel. She came over and gave me a kiss on the forehead. She dragged Joel out of the room. I watched them both pull out of the driveway. I looked over at Benji and he was staring at me blankly. "I hate myself." He finally said. He layed down on the bed and I held him. "Don't." I said, kissing him on the cheek. "You're trying your hardest."
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Post by Whole Lotta Ugly on Dec 8, 2004 3:11:51 GMT
Chapter 9
I went downstairs to make some dinner. I opened up the freezer and looked in it. We didn't really have too much and I wasn't about to go anywhere to get anything. Benji walked into the kitchen and stood behind me.
"That was real cute, Laura." He said, flatly. "What was?" I asked. "Telling my mom." He replied. "Now Joel knows too." "Joel already knew." I said, getting defensive. "How?" He asked, sitting down on a chair. "He asked me and I told him." I said, putting some veggie burgers in the microwave. "Why would you do that to me?" He was getting upset again. I didn't care this time. "I wasn't going to lie to him." I said, staring into the microwave. "Obviously." He said, getting up. "You're fucking him aren't you?" "You've already asked me that, and no, I'm not." I said, calmly. "You're lying." He scoffed. "Do you have proof?" I turned around and looked at him. He glared at me and shoved me against a wall. "Don't talk to me like that!" He yelled. I had enough of this. I slapped him as hard as I could. "I've had enough of this shit Benji!" I yelled. I went upstairs and put a few of my things in a suitcase and went into Amelia's room and did the same thing. I grabbed her and went back downstairs. "Where are you going?" He asked. He looked scared. "Away." I said, putting Amelia's coat on her. "How long?" His eyes were wide. "For a few days. I want you to know what it feels like to be me. I want you to know how it feels to be married, but feel alone and unloved. I want you to cry because you're so embarrassed. I want you to get help." I said, with a few tears streaming down my face. "Please don't go." He begged. "I need you." "I know. You need help." I said, grabbing my keys. "Don't leave!" He was sounding desperate. It was going to be hard for me to do it, but I had to get out. "Are you coming back?" "After you learn your lesson." I said, picking up Amelia and walking out the door. I think this was going to be harder on me than it would be for him.
"Hey. What are you doing here?" Joel asked, looking surprised. "Would you mind if we stayed with you for a while?" I asked him, gesturing to Amelia. "Not at all!" He said, opening the door further. He took my suitcase and went upstairs with it. He came back down and gave me a hug. "What happened?" "He shoved me and I slapped him." I smiled. "Then I got some stuff together and came here." "Are you leaving him for good?" He asked, taking Amelia from me. "No." I replied. He looked down. "Oh." He said. She put her head on his shoulder. "I'll go put her upstairs in a guest room." "Thank you." I said, smiling. He'd make such a good dad and husband. He'd probably be good in bed too. He came back down the stairs and stood at the bottom. "How come you're not divorcing him or anything?" He asked. "Because he's getting help." I answered. "I know he wants this marriage to work." "I would if I were him too." He smiled. "I've got some champagne in the fridge if you want to open it and celebrate." "I'd love that." I said, following him into the kitchen. He took a bottle out of the fridge, opened it, and poured it into two glasses. "To your new balls." He said, lifting up his glass. "To my new balls!" I laughed. We clinked our glasses and took a sip. There was a long silence. "I don't know why I even have this champagne. It's not like I have anybody to drink it with, or to celebrate anything." He said, trying to make conversation. "Now you do." I smiled at him. He smiled back and set his glass down. He took mine out of my hand and placed it next to his. He put his hands on my hips and pulled me to him. This is what I wanted. He tucked my hair behind my ear and put his hand on the side of my neck. He leaned in and gently pecked my lips. He looked into my eyes. "I love you." He whispered. "I love you too." I whispered back. I meant it. He gave me a long, passionate kiss. I can't remember the last time I was kissed like that. He picked me up and took me up the stairs. He took me into his room and closed the door with his foot. He gently placed me on his bed. He crawled on top of me and we kissed again. He began to kiss and suck on my neck. "Joel." I said. "Wait." "What?" He looked up. "We shouldn't." I said. I felt guilty for cheating on my husband. "Why not?" He asked, kissing my neck. "Well......Benji." I answered. "He doesn't have to know." He said, still kissing my neck. "I just can't. I'm sorry." I said, trying to move away. "That's alright." He said, rolling off of me. He put one of his arms across my stomach. "Thank you for being so understanding." I said as I held his hand. I wanted to go through with it, but I just couldn't. Maybe I'll get the courage to some day. I wanted him.
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Post by Whole Lotta Ugly on Dec 10, 2004 4:51:16 GMT
Chapter 10
"Wake up." Joel said, kissing my shoulder. "Hmm?" I rolled over still half asleep. "I brought you some tea. I figured you might want it." He said, handing me a mug. "You're so sweet." I said, sitting up and taking a sip. "How long was I asleep?" "A couple hours." He layed down and put his head on my lap. "Is Amelia sleeping?" I asked, gently stroking his hair. "Yeah." He answered. "She's an amazing kid. I asked her about colors, animal noises, shapes, and body parts and she's really smart." "I know she is." I said, smiling. "Maybe she'll grow up to be a doctor or something." "I wish I had a kid." He stared up at the ceiling. "Being with Amelia made me want one of my own. I want a chance at being a dad, and since I don't have any marriage prospects it seems like I'll never have one." "You'll get married some day." I reassured him. "You'll make a great father too." "Can I ask you something?" He sat up. "When you said you loved me earlier did you really mean it or did you just get caught up in the moment?" "I meant it." I smiled and brushed the hair off his forehead. He smiled back and gave me a light peck on the lips. He leaned in to kiss me again, but at the same time the doorbell rang. "Something always interrupts us." He said. "If it's not your daughter it's someone at the door. It's probably Druid priests asking if we've found Jesus or something." "Go see who it is!" I said, laughing. I set my mug of tea down on the nightstand and layed back down. I thought about how great it would've been had I married Joel instead of Benji. I might have been happy. There was a knock on the bedroom door.
"Laura?" Benji asked, quietly as he opened the door. "I don't want to see you right now." I said, rolling over onto my side. "I need to talk to you." He said, sitting on the bed. I turned to face him. "About what?" I asked. "Us." He said, scooting closer to me. "I want you to come home." "No." I said, starting to roll over again. He grabbed my shoulder. "Please just hear me out." He pleaded. "I know I've made you unhappy and ruined your life, but if you give me a second chance I'll make it up to you. I promise I will. I know I've promised in the past, but this time is different. I could've lost you and I don't want that. I need you. I don't know what I'd do without you. I was stupid before, but now things will be different." "I'm going to need to think about this." I said, trying not to cry and then jump back into his arms. "I'll call you tomorrow, but right now I just want to go to sleep." "OK." He said, sounding heartbroken. I hated seeing him like that. I felt horrible for making him feel like that. He got up and started to leave the room. "Benj." I said, stopping him. "Come here." "What?" He sat back down. I sat up and gave him a kiss. "I love you." I said. "I love you too." He replied. He got up and left. After a few minutes Joel came into the room. "What happened?" He asked. "Are you OK?" "I'm fine." I smiled. "He asked me to come home." "And?" He sat down on the bed. "I don't know." I shrugged. "I might go back. I'm not sure." "I don't want you to." He rubbed my back. I put my head on his shoulder. "I know you don't, but you don't have any control over that." I said. He sighed and stood up. He started to get ready for bed. He took off his shirt and threw it into a clothes hamper. "Have you been working out?" "Yeah. I started to again." He said, taking off his pants. "It's sexy." I winked. "Thank you for noticing." He smiled while turning the light off. He got into bed and got himself comfortable. He put his arms around me and started to fall asleep. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in. I loved the smell of his cologne. I started to fantasize about having sex with him, but I didn't think I could go through with something like that, but I wanted to so bad.
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Post by Whole Lotta Ugly on Dec 13, 2004 6:01:11 GMT
Chapter 11
I woke up and looked at the clock. It was 3 AM. I couldn't fall asleep. All I could think about was Benji. I wanted to go back to him, but I liked staying with Joel. I felt safe. I needed to talk to somebody about it, so I shook Joel's shoulder.
"Joel." I whispered. "Wake up." "Hmm?" He opened one of his eyes. "What?" "I can't sleep." I said, burying my face in his chest. "You want me to read you a bedtime story? I got a book around here somewhere." He said, putting his arm around me. "I just need to talk to you." I said, quietly. I lightly kissed his chest. "About?" He asked. "I need you to listen and give me your opinion." I answered. I paused and took in a deep breath. "I think I might go back to Benji." "What?!" He sat up. "Why?!" "Because he's getting help and he needs me." I said, sitting up. I put my head on his shoulder. "I'm sure Amelia misses him too. She loves him very much. I do too." "He's just going to hit you again." He said, shaking his head. "He won't. He's changing!" I said, standing up. "How many times has he said he'll never hit you again? He says it all the fucking time because he knows that's what you want to hear, and then you'll go crawling back to him!" He said, getting angry. "You said he's never punched you until today, and he'll do it again! What happens when he starts hitting Amelia too? Are you going to take that?" "I don't have any other choice!" I said, sitting back down. I started to cry. I was so sick of crying. After putting up with the abuse for so long I was emotionally drained and all I could do was cry. "Yes you do." He said, gently and sitting back down next to me. "Divorce him. Then you and I could run away together. We'll go where he wouldn't be able to find us. I could adopt Amelia and then we can have our own kids." "I can't." I shook my head. "You wouldn't be able to do that anyway. What about the band?" "They don't need me." He said, taking my hand. "You have options, Laura. I think you're afraid of them." "I know I am." I said, putting my head back on his shoulder. There was a long silence. "But you do whatever makes you happy." He finally said. "If you're happy then I'm happy." "Thank you." I gave him a hug. "No problem." He hugged me back. "It's what I'm here for."
As soon as the sun came up I put my suitcase in my car. I had to go back to Benji. I left a note for Joel so I wouldn't wake him up. I went back in and kissed him on the forehead. Then I grabbed Amelia and put her in the car and drove home.
"Benj." I said, getting into bed with him. He rolled over and looked at me. "You're back." He smiled. "Yeah. I am." I smiled back and kissed him. He pulled me over to him and wrapped his arm around me. He kissed me back and then pulled away. "You smell like him." He said, narrowing his eyes. "I slept in his bed. You saw." I said. I couldn't believe he was doing this. "Was he with you?" He asked. "Yes." I replied, looking away. "Nothing happened." "I bet." He said, sitting up. "Please don't do this." I said, sitting up and rubbing his back. "You know I wouldn't do that to you." "I'm not so sure." He said, flatly. "Benj! You know I wouldn't!" I said, with tears in my eyes. "Alright." He said, calming down. "Don't get upset. I'm sorry." "Oh sweetheart." I said, smiling and stroking his hair. "It's OK." "I'm going to get some sleep." He said, laying down. "I didn't sleep at all last night. I kept thinking about how I could've lost you and Amelia. You're both my whole world." "Do you want me to wake you up in a couple hours?" I asked. "Nah." He said. "OK." I gave him a kiss and left the room. As soon as I left he grabbed his cell phone and dialed a number.
"Yo." Joel said, answering his phone. "Shut up and listen." Benji commanded. "You stay the hell away from my wife." "Excuse me?" Joel asked in disbelief. "You heard me." Benji scoffed. "I know what's going on between you two." "What do you think is going on?" Joel asked. "Cut the crap. Just stay the hell away from her." Benji said. "I can't do that." Joel said then hung up. Benji got up and punched a hole in the wall. He went downstairs and stood in front of me.
"Tell me what happened." He said through his teeth. "What?" I asked. "Last night!" He answered. "I went to Joel's." I said. "I fucking know!" He yelled. "What happened?!" "We talked!" I yelled back. "Bullshit!" He yelled louder. He pointed at my neck. "Then what the fuck is that?! Hmm?!" "What?" I asked, horrified. "There's a fucking hickey on your neck!" He continued yelling. "It's not from me!" "I-" I started to say, but stopped. "I'm sorry." "You fucking whore!" He said between his teeth. "Is Amelia even mine?!" "Look at her! Of course she's yours!" I yelled, bewildered. "She could be Joel's for all I know!" He started yelling again. "She's your daughter!" I yelled as loud as I could. "How could you say that?!" "You make me sick." He said, walking away. I ran after him. "I'm sorry! It was all his fault!" I said, crying. I hated having to lie like that. Especially about Joel, but I had no other choice. "Shut up." He said. "Do you forgive me?" I asked. "Did you hear what I said?!" He yelled. "Please forgive me!" I begged. I should've listened to Joel and not come back. "Are you even listening to me?!" He yelled again. I was so tired of this. "I hate you!" I screamed without thinking. "Really? I'll give you a reason to hate me!" He said. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me up the stairs. I was screaming and trying to pull away, but he's a lot stronger than me. He pulled me into our room and he threw me onto the floor. He picked up a pair of his pants, took the belt off, and hit me with it. "You've got no reason to hate me! I give you everything!" "I'm sorry!" I said in between sobs. He got dressed really fast. "I'm going to my mom's. I might bring her back for dinner, so if at all possible try not to have Joel over and fuck him." He said, flatly. He left the house. I needed to leave too, but I didn't have anywhere to go. I couldn't go to Joel's because he'd be upset I got hurt again. I got dressed and grabbed Amelia and drove in a random direction.
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Post by Whole Lotta Ugly on Dec 14, 2004 3:50:12 GMT
Chapter 12
After driving for a few minutes I realized I was close to Billy's house. I decided to go there. I couldn't drive anymore. I could tell I had a huge welt on my back where Benji hit me with his belt. It was hurting to lean against the seat. I pulled into his driveway and luckily his car was there. I got Amelia and walked up to the front door and knocked.
"Hi." Billy said, opening the door. "Hi. Sorry I didn't call beforehand or anything." I said, trying to keep my head down so he couldn't see my black eye. "That's alright. Do you need anything?" He asked. "Yeah." I answered. "Can you watch Amelia for me?" "Sure." He smiled. "You know I'm always willing to babysit baby Madden." "Thanks." I said, setting her down. "I have all of her stuff in this bag. I put some diapers and a change of clothes and-" "Laura, whoa." He said, laughing. "I know." "Sorry." I smiled. "It's a habit." "You're such a mom." He said, picking up Amelia. "You're spending the day with me, kid. You're in luck too. I just bought a lot of candy." "Candy!" Amelia exclaimed with a huge grin on her face. "At least wait until noon." I said, rolling my eyes. "Don't give her too much. I don't want her getting sick." "Blah blah blah." He said, jokingly. "I'll call you before I come get her. I don't know how long that will be." I said, getting serious again. "Is everything OK?" He asked, concerned. "Not really, but I don't feel like talking about it now." I said, looking down. "I've got to go. Thank you for watching her!" "No problem." He said, starting to close the door. "Come Meelers, we have work to do."
I got in my car and smiled. Billy was really good with her. She loved going to see him. I sat for awhile not knowing where to go, but I knew I had to go see Joel. I started driving in the direction of his house, and I grabbed my cell phone and called him.
"Hey." He answered, lovingly. "What's going on?" "Are you busy?" I asked. "No." He replied. "Why?" "Would it be alright if I came over for a little bit?" I started to get tears in my eyes. I needed to see him. "Of course." He said, sounding a bit concerned. "OK. I'll be there in about two minutes." I said. "Bye." "Bye."
I pulled into the driveway and got out of the car. I hobbled up to the front door. My back was hurting so bad I couldn't stand it. He must have gotten me pretty damn good with that belt. Before I could knock Joel opened the door.
"What's wrong?" He looked very concerned. "My back." I said, looking down. Joel helped me inside and onto the couch. "Thank you." "Did he do something to you?" He asked, sitting down next to me. I nodded. I turned away from him and lifted up the back of my shirt. I didn't know what it looked like, but from the sound of Joel's gasp it wasn't good. "Oh my God." "It's from his belt." I said, quietly. "Oh my God." He repeated. I could tell he didn't know what to do, or even what to say. We sat in silence for a little while. "Joel?" I asked, looking at him. "Could I go upstairs and lie down for a little bit?" "You don't even have to ask." He answered. He helped me upstairs and into his bed. It didn't hurt as much when I was laying on my side. He put a blanket over me and started to leave. "Don't go." I said, quietly. He got onto his bed and got under the blanket with me. He looked very upset. I guess he had a reason. He loved me and I was hurt. He stared at me for a few minutes and tears welled up in his eyes. He reached out and gently touched the cut under my eye. "How could he do that to you?" He whispered. He tucked my hair behind my ear and scooted closer to me. "Baby you need to leave him." "I know." I said as tears welled up in my eyes. I didn't feel like talking. I looked away from him and down at my left hand. I played with my rings and thought about the day I got engaged. Benji and I were on a bridge late at night. I remember it was cold, but while we were standing there he had his arms around me and was keeping me warm. He let go of me and reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring. It was the ugliest thing I had ever seen. He wasn't very romantic about the whole thing. He just flat out asked me to marry him. Then he "accidentally" dropped it over the side of the bridge. I looked over the edge and was telling him it would be OK and that we could get another one. When I looked back over at him he had a real ring in his hand and he was grinning. I remember I cried a lot. I wasn't sure if it was because I was so touched or it was hormones. I was five months pregnant at the time. When I remember things like that it makes it so hard to leave him. I looked back up at Joel and he was still staring at me. I could see the love in his eyes and I've never seen it in Benji's. He actually loves me. "You're beautiful." He said, sweetly. He carefully put his arm around me. "You're too good to me." I said, burying my face in his chest. I could've stayed like that forever for all I cared. "You deserve it." He kissed the top of my head. "Where's Meelers?" "She's with Billy." I answered. "Ah." He said. "So we're alone for once?" "Right." I nodded. "Huh." He smiled. "What do you want to do?" "I don't know." I smiled back. "What do you want to do?" "Well." He started. "We could watch a movie, play cards, have sex, bake cookies, play Scrabble, you could give me a blowjob, fingerpaint, have sex-" "You said that twice." I interrupted, laughing. "I know. It's my favorite." He said, smiling. I looked up at him. He leaned in to kiss me and my cell phone started to ring. "Dammit!" "Every time." I smiled. I carefully reached over and grabbed my phone and answered.
"Laura, what does it mean when Amelia starts doing this little dance and starts making weird grunting noises?" Billy asked. He sounded scared. "What kind of a dance is it?" I asked. "She's kind of hopping and leaning over." He answered. "She has to go to the bathroom." I said, laughing. "Put her on the toilet." "Oh." He said, embarrassed. "Thanks. Bye." "Bye."
I put my phone down and faced Joel again. He smiled and leaned in and kissed me. Soon after that his cell phone rang.
"What the fuck?" He laughed. He reached over and grabbed his and answered. He motioned that he was leaving for a few minutes and he went out into the hallway. I was worried it was Benji. What if he went back home? He'd be so pissed I wasn't there. He came back in the room and stood there. He scratched his head and sat down on the bed. He drew in a long, deep breath and slowly exhaled. I got very worried. "What is it?" I asked. "It was my mom." He said, not answering my question. "And?" My heart was pounding in my chest. Something was very wrong. "Benj told her about us." He said, flatly. "What?" I couldn't believe it. "She's pissed." He said, quietly. "She said she can't believe we'd do that to Benji. It's so fucking stupid. She doesn't care that he hits you, but God forbid you let me kiss you." "I'll talk to her about it later." I said, crawling over to him. "Don't be upset." "I can't help it." He said, putting his hand on my thigh. "I hate it when my mom's mad at me." "I'll explain everything to her and it'll be OK." I said, putting my head on his shoulder. "I promise." "I love you so much." He said, rubbing my leg. "I love you too." I kissed his shoulder. I hated Benji. One of these days I'm going to leave him. We heard the doorbell ringing over and over again. Then someone opened the door and came in. "What the-" Joel started. The door flew open and Paul came in. Joel and I both sighed with relief that it wasn't Benji.
"Oh....my........God." Paul said slowly. "You guys will never believe what I just found out?" "Reindeer really do know how to fly?" Joel asked. "You're hilarious. When did you get so funny?" Paul asked, overly sarcastic. "Anyway, check this out! We are nominated for..................six Video Music Awards! Six, God dammit!" "Really?!" Joel asked, excited. "Yep." Paul said, smiling. "So I was thinking on the way over here that when we go to the awards show this year that we should all dress up like cowboys.............or ninjas." "Mmmmmmmmmmno." Joel shook his head. "Congratulations." I said, rubbing Joel's arm. He looked over at me and smiled. "Hey Laura." Paul said, getting my attention. I looked over at him. He stopped smiling and his eyes got wide. "What happened to your eye?" "Nothing." I said, quickly. I looked down at the floor. Paul kneeled in front of me. "You can tell me. It's OK." He quietly reassured me. I shook my head. I was getting really embarrassed. It was one thing for Joel and Robin to know, but I wasn't comfortable with his band members finding out. "Laura, we all know he beats you." "What?" I asked, looking at him. "We figured it out awhile ago." He replied. "Well, Billy, Chris, and I did. We tried talking to Benji about it, but he denied it, got pissed, and left. We know he has anger and violence issues. It was pretty easy to piece together, and it only took three of us to do it." "Did you tell anybody?" I asked him, worried. He shook his head. "Thank you." "I should get going. I haven't told Billy or Chris the good news yet." He said, getting up. "I'll see you guys later." "Are you OK?" Joel asked, after Paul had left. "Yeah." I nodded. "I'm so embarrassed." "Don't be." He said, rubbing the back of my neck. "I'm going to take a nap if that's alright." I said, crawling back under the blanket. He nodded and kissed my forehead. He closed the blinds and left the room. I didn't want to ever be seen by anybody else ever again. Why did I let Benji do it? I wasn't going to let him anymore. I was finally done.
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Post by Whole Lotta Ugly on Dec 15, 2004 4:37:17 GMT
Chapter 13
I woke up a few hours later and Joel was laying next to me. I didn't know how long he had been there. Our eyes met and he smiled.
"How was your nap?" He asked, rubbing my arm. "Just fine." I yawned. I moved closer to him and gave him a kiss. "I should probably go get my daughter and talk to your mom." "I can get Meelers if you want." He offered. "No thanks." I said. "I should probably take her to your mom's. That way she won't yell at me in front of her grandchild." "Good thinking." He smiled and tapped my nose. I got up and put my shoes on. He helped me down the stairs and into my car. "I'll call you tomorrow OK?" "OK." I nodded. He gave me a kiss and then closed the car door. I started driving towards Billy's house and I called him.
"Hello?" Billy answered. "Hi. I'm on my way to pick up Amelia." I said. "Benji came and got her a couple hours ago." He informed me. "Oh. Well thanks." I said. "No problem." He replied. "Bye." I said, trying to sound friendly. I was worried about my daughter. I didn't trust my husband. "Bye." He said, hanging up. I drove home as fast as I could. If he hurts my baby I'll kill him. I pulled into the driveway and got out of my car and went into the house. He was sitting on the couch watching TV.
"Benji." I said, without any emotion. "Shh. She's sleeping." He pointed to his daughter who was sleeping on his lap. I smiled and sat down next to him. "Want me to take her upstairs?" I asked. "Nah. I don't know how much longer she's going to want to sit on her dad's lap." He said, stroking her hair. We sat in an awkward silence for a few minutes. "Do you really hate me?" "Honestly?" I asked, looking into his eyes. He looked heartbroken again. "Yeah. Honestly." He nodded. "Sometimes you're very hard to love." I said, putting my hand on his arm. He nodded slightly and looked down at the floor. I could see his bottom lip quivering a little. He hugged Amelia tighter and kissed the top of her head. He got up and took her upstairs. About ten minutes passed and he still hadn't come back down. I turned off the TV and went upstairs to find him. He was lying on our bed. I layed down next to him. "Benji, I do love you." I said, putting my hand on the side of his face. "It's hard to love you when you're hurting me." "I fucked up." He said, starting to cry. I gently pulled his head under my chin and held him. He put his arm around me and squeezed. "Ouch!" I yelled, in pain. He sat up. "What? What happened?" He asked, his eyes wide with worry. "My back." I said, grimacing in pain. I rolled onto my stomach. He lifted up the back of my shirt. "Oh God." He said, starting to cry again. He gently ran his finger down the long welt on my back. "I hate myself. I really do." "Don't say that." I said, sitting up. "I've fucked up this marriage." He said. I wiped a few tears from his cheeks. "Maybe we should go into counseling or something together." I said, trying to cheer him up. He shook his head. "It's not a problem with us. It's with me." He said, taking my hands in his. "What if we spent the next few days together? Just you and me. We can try to work this out. I really want this to work." "I'd love that." I smiled. He gently pulled me into a hug and we sat for a while, embracing and crying together.
The next morning I called Robin to ask her to watch Amelia for a couple days. To my surprise she wasn't talking to me any differently after what Benji had told her. She came over to pick up my daughter. I needed to talk to her, so I waited until she was at the door and ready to leave.
"Mom, can I talk to you for a minute?" I asked, looking down at the floor. "Sure." She answered, turning towards me. "I just want to let you know that Joel and I are not having an affair." I said, flat out. "I know Benji-" "You don't need to say anything more." She interrupted. "I talked to Joel this morning and he told me everything. I know you need to feel loved somehow, but, Joel isn't the person to go to for it. I knew deep down that you weren't having an affair with him. Don't worry about it. Everything will be OK." "Thank you." I said, hugging her. She hugged me and patted my back. She smiled, picked up Amelia, and left. I turned to Benji who was standing at the bottom of the stairs. "Well?" "Well what?" He asked. "What do you have planned for the day?" I walked over to him and put my arms around his waist. "If by 'planned for the day' you mean 'make babies' then yes, I have a plan for the day." He said, putting his hands on my shoulders. "Congratulations on your six VMA nominations, by the way." I said. "I have a feeling we're going to win them all." He smiled. "I can feel it." "I bet you can." I said, rolling my eyes. He can be such a dork sometimes, but that's why I fell in love with him. The phone rang and he went to answer it.
"What?" He said, answering. "Dammit.......Yeah.........I'll be there as soon as I can." "What is it?" I asked as he set down the phone. "They're having a problem at the studio and they need me to go in." He said, sighing. "I'm sorry." "That's OK." I said, rubbing his back. "While you're doing that I can go out and look for another job." "You don't need to have a job." He said, looking up at me. "I know, but I like having one." I hoped he wasn't going to get mad at me. "Why can't you stay home with Amelia? Then if we have other kids you can take care of them." He said. "I don't want to be a housewife. I went to cosmetology school for a reason." I was getting a bit annoyed. "Whatever." He said, getting up and leaving the house. I scoffed and rolled my eyes. He can be such a dick. I decided to go grocery shopping instead of look for a job. I got dressed and put make up to try to cover up my black eye as well as I could. It was still noticeable, but I hoped no one would stare at it or anything. I drove to the store, walked in, grabbed a cart, and started looking around. I wasn't looking at too much. I kept thinking about Benji and whether or not it was worth it to stay with him. If I stayed with him I'd probably keep getting hurt, but if I left I could run off with Joel and probably have a great life. I couldn't do that. Benji needed me.
"Excuse me?" I heard a voice from behind me say. I turned around and saw a teenage girl standing there. I had no idea who she was. "Umm. Hi. I know this might sound weird, but, are you Benji Madden's wife?" "Mmhmm." I nodded. It's flattering when people recognize me. "My name's Nikki." She said, extending her hand. I shook her hand. "I just wanted to let you know that I've seen a picture of your daughter and she's the cutest thing ever." "Thank you!" I smiled. "That's all I really wanted....Ummm....It was nice meeting you!" She said, starting to walk away. "It was nice meeting you too!" I said being very friendly. She made my day a bit better. I liked getting compliments on Amelia. I went down one of the aisles and I went back to thinking about Joel.
"Hey little girl can I smell your socks?" A gruff voice said right into my ear. I stopped walking and turned around. "Paul, you're sick." I glared. "Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?" He shrugged. "What are you doing here?" I asked. "I needed some provisions. You know, fat people are always eating." He said, patting his stomach. "No, I mean, I thought there was a problem at the studio." I said, getting suspicious. "Not that I know of." He said. "Benji said there was." I was starting to get pissed. He lied to me. "Beats me." He shrugged. "Want me to call him and ask him what's going on?" "Please." I replied. He got out his phone and called Benji. "Hey, what's up?..........Nothing really. I'm just at the grocery store. Where are you at?...............Oh. At home with Laura? Sounds like fun. I'll just hang up and let you two go back to whatever............Alright. Later." He hung up. "He said he's at home with me?!" I said, raising my voice. "I have to go." "Laura-" Paul started. "Can you put this stuff back for me?" I interrupted him and pointed to the few things I had in my cart. "Sure." He said, quietly. "Be careful." "Thank you Paul." I said, hugging him. I went to my car and raced home. He better be there. If he isn't he's dead. I pulled in the driveway and his car was there. I got out and went into the house.
"Benji!!" I screamed. "Where the fuck are you?!" "I'm right here. What?" He said, coming out of the kitchen. "You lied to me!" I yelled. "There was no problem at the studio! I ran into Paul at the grocery store and he called you to see where you were. How could you be here with me if I was standing two feet from him?!" "Laura, I-" He trailed off. He looked very embarrassed. "You want to know the truth?" "Yes!!" I yelled. He pulled something out from behind his back. It was a bottle of Jack Daniels. "Benjamin Levi Madden you said you'd quit drinking and that was two years ago!!" "I know!" He said. Tears were welling up in eyes. "Every once in a while I need a drink. It's hard to give up!" "I don't want you drinking!" I started crying I was so frustrated. "Do you remember what would happen when you would get drunk? You'd beat me! I don't want to go through it anymore! You're just like your father!" "Don't say that!" He raised his voice. "I'm not my dad! It's so hard to quit, but I will! I just need your help!" "Whatever you need." I walked over to him and gave him a hug. He grabbed my hand and took me over to the sink. He dumped the rest of the bottle down the drain. "It's just so hard." He quietly said. "I know." I rubbed his back to comfort him. "I'm proud of you." "Why?" He asked, wrapping his arms around me. "Because you're making an effort to quit." I said, putting my arms around him. I knew I couldn't leave him now. He needed my love and support. I was going to see him through this.
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Post by Whole Lotta Ugly on Dec 16, 2004 3:52:10 GMT
Chapter 14
Later on that same afternoon Benji and I sat at the kitchen table drinking coffee. I could tell he didn't want to talk to me because he was embarrassed. My mind wandered to Joel. I regretted marrying Benji. I should've said no when he proposed. I started to realize how stupid I was for thinking he'd change. He won't.
"I was just thinking." He started to say. "Maybe we should go on a second honeymoon or something." "What do you mean a second one? We never had one in the first place." I said, taking a sip of coffee. "We didn't?" He asked. "No." I answered. "Then what am I thinking of?" He wondered. "We went to Hawaii while we were dating. Maybe that was it." I said. "Yeah, that's what I'm thinking about." He nodded. He put his hand on mine. "Maybe we should go back." "I don't think it would help." I bluntly said. "It would give us a chance to be alone and not have any responsibilites." He continued. "I want things to be different between us." "I've been wanting that for a long time." I said, taking another sip. He didn't say anything for a long time. "Don't leave me." He finally said. "What?" I asked. "You've probably been thinking about leaving me, and I don't want you to." He said, making eye contact with me. "I don't know what I'd do if you left. I wouldn't have anybody. You'd take Amelia and she's my reason for living. She's my little girl and I want to see her grow up. I want to be there for her." "Benji." I said, getting tears in my eyes. "If you don't want me taking her then stop hitting me. Next time you hit me I'm gone. I'll show the judge during our divorce that you abuse me and I'll make sure you never get parenting time. Do you understand me?" "You wouldn't do that to me. Would you?" He asked, quietly. I hit a nerve and I was happy I did. "If I was angry enough I would." I lied. I could never do that to him. I don't think I could leave him either. A tear went down his cheek and I got up and wiped it away. "I don't think you'd ever push me to do that." "Don't take my daughter from me." He begged. I hugged him and kissed his forehead. I left the kitchen and went upstairs into our bedroom. I grabbed my phone and called Joel.
"Hey." He said, answering. "You're going to be so proud of me!" I said, smiling. "Why?" He asked. "I'll tell you next time I see you." I said, flirtatiously. "How come I can't know now?" He laughed. "Because." I replied. "I want to tease you." "Have it your way." He said. "I should get going. I'll call you later." I said. "I love you. Bye." He replied. I could tell he was smiling. "You too. Bye." I hung up. I wanted to see him, but I couldn't leave Benji alone. I didn't want him to go out and buy alcohol. Benji came into the room and opened up the closet door. He was pulling out a few things and setting them on the bed. "What are you doing?" "Picking out what I want to wear to the VMAs." He said, quietly. He was probably upset with me about what I said in the kitchen. "That's not for another three weeks." I said, smiling at him. "I know." He quietly said. I got up and looked at what he picked out. "I think you should wear that shirt with those pants." I said, picking up a black pinstripe shirt and putting it on top of some black pants. "I always like it when you wear that." "What's wrong with you?" He asked, almost sounding disgusted. "What?" I asked. "You threatened to take my daughter from me and now you're being friendly?" He was getting mad. "I wouldn't take her from you." I said, moving his hair from his forehead. "I only said that because I was upset. I didn't mean it." "I should hope not." He said, moving away from me. "Benji." I said quietly, reaching out to him. He glared at me and left the room. I dropped to my knees and started crying. He had me defeated once again. How could I have said that to him? He came back in the room, sat next to me, and put his arm around my shoulders. "Don't cry." He rubbed my shoulder. "Maybe we should go to counseling." "I didn't mean to say that." I kept crying. "Forgive me." "I know." He said, pulling me into a hug. I started to think maybe our problems were too big for counseling. Maybe we shouldn't be together anymore. I wanted to bring up the idea of a separation, but he was too hurt right now. I couldn't do that to him.
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