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Post by DCOTN on Jun 23, 2005 23:05:30 GMT
We could make a Kate Art Board just for you! ^_^
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Post by aiden on Jun 23, 2005 23:27:25 GMT
we should.
i'd be a star.
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Post by aiden on Jun 25, 2005 15:13:35 GMT
25.06.05
it's 9.44 in the morning and i feel as if my whole day has already been screwed. i woke up fine, but it's one of those mornings that just go down hill.
no one seems to tell me anything anymore. it seems as if i don't exist. everyone else knows things - important or not, but no one ever seems to remember me and tell me.
i like being alone, and not being disturbed, but important details - like when we're leaving for arizona, or when my mom had surgery - no one ever tells me.
i actually wish that i was an only child. i'd like to try it for a month or two. i want to see how it is to actually be able to be alone and not have my sister there all the time.
i've always had this idea in my head that if i was an only child, i'd be able to be in my bedroom, writing, reading and being alone...all the time. it seems like it would be fun. i'd sneak out a few times, and it wouldn't matter.
i wish i could do things and it wouldn't matter. i wish i could sneak out. i wish i could blast my music at midnight. i wish i could have a boy over. i wish...
i've had a dream once, and it was about sneaking out. a boy would come up to my window and throw pebbles at it. i'd wake up and look out the window, wondering what the sound was. i'd smile, seeing him there. i'd climb out my window and go down the tree (i planned this all out once). we'd walk down the street to this field, and we'd sit down. we'd talk, and he would kiss me. he'd wrap his arms around me.
i had a dream last night, and it was horrible. i just got out of a pool from swimming, and i went over by my mom and dad. my dad was staring at my boob, and he was telling me that it was out. i got embarassed, and then i yelled at him for staring at it. he was looking at it for five minutes before he told me. i was mad at him ever since. then, it went in to another "set". my friends and i were on a futon-like couch, watching a movie. my dad said "lesbians" in the front of the couch. all the girls went to the front to be funny, i guess. all the boys were sitting in the back. my dad said "kate, you can sit in the back. you're not a lesbian". then, my mom says something like "tim, she just wants to sit by her friends". he then gave this weird look. i leaned back, so my feet were dangling off the edge of the couch, and my head were by the boys. this guy (who looked exactly like the lead singer of motion city soundtrack, hair and all) grabbed my arm lightly, like he was holding my hand. that was cool.
it then went in to a very odd part of the dream. i was on the side of the road, and this man was feeding rabbits and had two deer beside him. once he had befriended the animals, he grabbed his gun and shot one of the deer. i said that was sick. he then must've grabbed me, and pulled me into a bathroom that just appeared out of no where. he had long, braided hair (those little ones, where you have a million) and it was black. he grabbed my hair with both of his hands, picked me up by it, and started shaking me. he kept doing this. i tried to grab his hair, too, but he was too fast. he was laughing like a maniac. i was kicking and screaming, because you could see all these cars drive by. they could see us, too. i could see most everyone's heads turning and watching as they sped by, but no one stopped to help. then, one of my friends brothers (who was fat with blonde hair) came out of a parking lot that was attached to the bathroom, and i yelled to him to call the police. then, one of my friends (imaginary, i don't have a friend that's like this) came out of her living room, which was attached to this bathroom that we were in. he let me and her walk around the door a few times. i was whispering to her "call the police, okay? call the police. call the police". i went out in the parking lot with my friend, her brother and the police. i went back in by the man, so when the police came in, they could see what he was doing to me. i woke up then, but i remember him being all god-loving and nice when the police came in.
i hated that dream.
i have something that i don't like. i don't like how my dad always touches me. i tell him to stop, but he doesn't. he keeps poking me in the stomache, and i tell him to stop numerous times, but he doesn't. he comes up to me and hugs me, and it always feels like he's trying to touch my boob. he did that this morning. it's disqusting. my mom also does it sometimes. i was laying down after i got home from track, so i'm pretty much passed out on the chair. she comes up to me, and starts "massaging" my hip bones. she says "are those bones that i feel?", while practically sticking her hands down my pants. yes mom, i'm losing weight, and my hips bones are showing. don't finger me for it. god damn...
and now it's 10.16 in the morning. it's still not better.
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Post by aiden on Jun 25, 2005 19:07:40 GMT
[ i want jeordie to come down into waukesha and kiss me. ]
during warped, i could have sworn that he wanted to kiss me. he looked at me in that way. his eyes. the way he touched me.
and when i told him my age, and that i was two years younger than him, it all crashed down. he went from sweet and really nice to way stand off-ish.
why the hell didn't i say i was fourteen? in two months for god's sake.
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Post by DCOTN on Jun 25, 2005 19:46:08 GMT
</3
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Post by aiden on Jun 26, 2005 17:46:28 GMT
26.06.05
i get to see bowling for soup tonight. they're actually coming to waukesha. i'm going with my cousin, and her friend and another one of our friend's might come.
my aunt went a few days ago to this festival, and she said it was horrible. there were only four vendors and no games/rides whatsoever. at least i'll be able to see bowling for soup...for the third time...
my day got better at around 9.30 last night.
it started sucking again this morning. my sister was yelling at me, and making rude remarks. my dad got pissed for a bit, and i feel so done.
so done, as in i pulled out a good charlotte journal from a few years ago and actually wrote an entry in it.
in other words, my fall out boy cd is getting some serious wear.
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Post by aiden on Sept 1, 2005 22:09:22 GMT
sceneXcore i am a scene kid. i love it. it's so cool. and i'm totally cool with it. at least i have the guts to admit it. it's effing awesome. there's a difference between scene and poseur, you know. scene involves the music, the clothes, the attitude, the lifestyle. poseur is all about the fashion. so i'm scene, not poseur. i had my first day of highschool today. it's effing sweet. tomorrow is going to be ace, because my stomache won't be flipping from nerves. teddy, noah and jared are in my history class. they're pretty. i'm in a class with seniors/juniors. it's art. i'm in a class with sophomores. it's biology. i get a ride to school with my neighbour. his name is jared and he's a senior. math is stupid. we got homework the first day. i need to lose weight. i really do. i'm so fat. really, i am. chris and sean phia - they're skinny boys. so is kyle conflict. sizedoublezero. i want to be skinnnnnnny. i want to be super skinny. don't argue with me about this. don't even bring it up, for that matter. my dad says i can't keep my 2g ears. sure. it's going to turn into a battle. it's going to play out like this: my dad will yell and "make" me take them out. i won't. he'll freak out, my allowance will stop, and i'll lose all my stuff. i'll keep my 2g ears, up them a size, sneak out, and stop eating. it's going to be heaven and hell. the highschool drama. how effing wonderful. i'll be skinny. finally.
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Post by aiden on Sept 29, 2005 20:15:39 GMT
i've started it and no one can stop me.
it will last forever.
i can't wait for the results.
and the best part is that nobody knows what it is.
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Post by DCOTN on Sept 30, 2005 18:40:33 GMT
I sure dont!
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Post by aiden on Oct 2, 2005 2:51:53 GMT
I looked into my eyes, and I finally realized that I am ______.
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Post by aiden on Nov 14, 2005 1:01:11 GMT
I've really been working towards _____. It's harder than I initially expected. It takes willpower, determination, secrecy and encouragment. It's one of the hardest and most painful things I've ever done, but I know that it's worth it.
I can't tell anyone what it is, because if I do, people will be scared. They'll either start neglecting me, or lash out at me. Either way, I lose.
Don't worry about me, though. I'm not doing anything to anybody else. This is emotional. This is me, and no one can change it.
I'm starting to think of my life where the object is: fun. I've got one life, and I know it's so cliché, but it's true.
What the heck - I'm out and I'm living and I'm young.
I'm not on the computer all the time anymore. I've completed my charcoal still life (which I will post pictures of , soon.), and I'm working on a portrait for a Christmas present. I'm discovering new bands, I'm going to concerts, and I've finally found a best friend. After 14 years, I've only just found a best friend. I'm growing happier each day, I'm having more fun, I'm becoming more outgoing, more creative, more likeable, more...me.
I'm in a dance class, and I love it. Once I leave, I can't wait until the next week. I play bass guitar - I'm actually improving. I'm not afraid of life anymore. I feel comfortable dancing around other people, and talking in public.
Life is improving, and I'm going with it.
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Post by aiden on Nov 24, 2005 2:52:00 GMT
What if I told you I was anorexic?
How would you react?
Would you be scared?
Would you neglect me?
Would you lecture me?
Would you ignore me?
Would you hate me?
[I'm not anorexic though]
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Post by aiden on Jul 7, 2006 2:10:57 GMT
Fuck it. The Honest Truth: One- I've been wanting to be anorexic for the past two and a half years Two- I'm sick of how my body looks. I'm overweight. Check the charts. I've got fat hanging out the sides of my jeans. It's fucking disgusting. Three- I have an "Anorexia Journal". It's a binder with photos, an actual journal, and "thinspiring" quotes. Four- I want to be as skinny as some of the kids on MySpace. Have you fucking seen Eddie Couture? He is a skeleton. It's beautiful. Five- I'm restricting my food intake greatly tomorrow. I'm going to Myrtle Beach, and I can't have flab hanging out of my swimsuit. How the fuck am I supposed to feel confident? Six- I search for Pro-anorexia sites on Ask Jeeves. I look for anorexic and bulimic kids on MySpace and use them as inspration. I search for fat people on google and use them as reverse inspiration. Seven- I want to be thin so I can be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be confident. I want to not be so damn shy because I'm fat. Eight- I also want to be thin for my mom and dad. My sister is thin, and it seems as if they favor her over me. It sucks. I don't want to be the "fat daughter" I want to be a fucking skeleton. Nine- I want to prove myself to the world. Everyone thinks I'm going to be this weight forever. I'm always going to be overweight, just a little bit more fat than everyone else. I want to prove that I can be thinner than everyone else. I'm going to be the skinniest girl in the world. The irony: my family is larger. My family has fat in their genes. Ten- I just want to be thin. I'm going to be the skinniest girl in the world.
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Post by DCOTN on Jul 12, 2006 16:52:32 GMT
</3
I'm still there for you, chicka. though I think we've all fallen apart a bit.. Actually, I'd call it growing up. But just know I'm still there.
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Post by aiden on Jul 24, 2006 23:40:13 GMT
Thanks for being there. </3
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